Joyful Discomfort

As I write this blog in late September, I feel the evening chill getting crisp. When you cannot leave the house without a late jacket or hoodie. One or two leaves have already started to change color. This kind of weather usually affects our bodies in some way. Whether that be arthritis for older folks or runny noses adjusting to the cold. My body will feel a little bit stiff for the next week or so. This week I want to try to answer a question that I get asked now and again.

“What does it feel like to have a disability?”

I love pondering on inquiries like this because it’s a challenge both as an individual and as a writer. My short answer is I don’t know; this is my “normal.” I was born with this, Neurological condition, I will die with it. For comparison, imagine if I asked you “What it’s like being an astronaut?

For the record, I was diagnosed at birth with Cerebral Palsy (CP). It is important to note that every person is affected differently by their disability. I can line up individuals with the diagnosis of CP and they will all have different strengths and weaknesses. A disability is like a person no two are equal.

When you look at me it is easy to feel pity and sadness because you picture the things I can’t do. Depending on how you measure success I am a failure. I don’t have a job, I’ve never walked more than a few steps in a therapeutic setting. I need help with most personal tasks. I have not had a real kiss since before Facebook and TikTok became household names. Society has locked me into a systemic financial prison. I know this is a small blog, and a lot of people don’t read it, but I hope this post gets shared. What I’m going to say next is not going to make sense to a lot of people.

Romans 8:18 NIV [18] I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 

“I am thankful for my disability!”

A few weeks back I found myself in the hospital for the fourth time in 4 months. This time with a kidney stone. Fortunately, it was small and able to pass quickly and without infection. I will not deny that it was painful and not fun at the moment. There was one moment, in the hospital when it was quiet. I was able to reflect on how blessed I was and how I’ve been a blessing to others without realizing it. I’ve never cashed the paycheck, and that’s not fair, but I have made a difference with my advocacy work. I realize that my job is to plant seeds of trees that others will sit under one day. I’ve had plenty of awkward moments with new staff, trusting them with my most intimate needs, but still, there are currently two wars going on in this world, and people have forgotten all about it. Not even giving a second thought to the widows and the children affected by these global conflicts.

I’ll be the first to admit that some days I get lonely, but isn’t it better to wait for the right person than knowing a partner is cheating on me? It is wrong that I can only have no more than $2,000 in my bank account at any one time, but if you go to your local Walmart, you can see both the mentally obese and the malnourished. I will always fight for the rights of those with disabilities, but tell me how in the richest, most powerful nation on Earth, we have veterans who have served this country openly, choosing to live homeless because they don’t want to scare their families due to their mental illness.

Life is a matter of perspective. I know I don’t live for this world; I live for the next one, where I will openly walk and dance. I feel sadness for those so stuck in this world that they don’t realize a glorious World is waiting for them.